I must say...

Really, I don't know what to say tonight, but I know that for the first time in a while I really want to blog. There are days when you talk to your friends, even your closest friends and wonder if they actually listen, if they hear what you really say. I often think to myself, "Am I rambling?" "Does this even makes sense?" or "Do you even care or do you just nod and say 'ok' hoping that I will stop talking?" My friends in Brussels are some of the most caring, selfless, loving, and forgiving people I know. They are reliable, eager to listen, and counsel with wisdom. Yet, at times, I wonder if they truly hear or even understand me. Last week I wrote an entry for the Furman Brussels blog entitled "Carpe Diem." In the entry, I described how my experience in Brussels has taught me patience, flexibility, and spontaneity, that I cannot live by my agenda, expecting everything to go according to plan. More importantly, living in Europe for the past three months taught me to seize each moment and live it to the fullest, whether that means taking a day trip to visit Chartres Cathedral in France, skipping class to run for hours in the forest with Austin, rolling down a hill, or spending the afternoon people watching outside of a local cafe. I want to enjoy each moment, to live in each moment and not consume my thoughts with what lies ahead.

I must confess that I am a prodigy at the whole "Carpe Diem" thing, despite what my blog entry may suggest. Last Thursday I wrote those very words and now I find myself anxiously awaiting December 12, the day that I come home. In the past four days I allowed myself to slip into countdown mode, where all I can think about it what lies ahead which is crazy considering I have three whole weeks left! There is so much left to do, to see, and to learn before I come home. I poured out these thoughts and feelings at lunch today to several of my girlfriends. After a couple minutes of discussion and even silence, it was apparent that most of them did not understand nor could they relate. To be honest, I was a little relieved when one girl told me that she understood completely and actually felt the same way not because I wanted a pity party but the comfort of knowing that someone feels the same way, that someone understands. After 13 weeks the new-ness, the challenge and the excitement of everyday life in a European city has slipped away leaving feelings of frustration and even boredom. I do not find work or school overly stimulating and the things I enjoy doing most are often difficult to make time for. Really, these are all just excuses. I have exactly three weeks left in Europe. I want to rejoice in each moment, to enter it with a positive attitude and an open mind, viewing it as an opportunity to learn and not just another thing to check off my "to-do" list. Do me a favor and hold me to it. Even if you read this entry and do not know my experiences or even the feelings that I have right now, encourage me. I need it!